Wow!
It's been a long time since I've been on here. The first semester is wrapping up and I"m trying to find the strength to pass this semester. I've been depressed on and off for the past two months. Mainly because for the first time in my life I valued friendship. My partners have always been my support never friends. I moved soo much that I abandoned all of them. However, with my bf two states away he could only do soo much on the phone. Finally I made a friend that I can relate to. It's a nice feeling honestly. I have even thought of changing my ways. Well, by being less individualistic. I do not like my family at all. In my mind, they're all poor and worthless (except my grandfather, aunt Chenoki, and Harold). None of them other than the ones I mentioned can help me get anywhere in life. People always refer to the poor as fictional people to be pitied. Well I was born into poverty so damn, my life sucks. I'm determined to change it. Get my Masters and marry up in life. I still do not know whether I want a husband. I have no interest in sex with a man. However, sex with a woman may not satisfy me for the rest of my life. Plus, I would have a happier life if everyone thought I was straight. Some people think gay rights, don't hide, but the reality is that the U.S. is the most tolerant country period. I don't care for my bf for obvious reasons. Being with him can comfort me for now, but he's a nobody that can't help me move up in life, so he's no good for long-term. I'm learnig korean, japanese, and chinese right now. I've thought of dating asian; however, I'm interested in long-term relationships that could lead to marriage. Yet, I"m not sure I'm ready to settle down just yet. I honestly do not think I could live in any other country but America. I also do not like the traditional roles that many asian wives are expected to take. I do not think that I even want kids honestly. I do not want to take care of anyone's parents either. I don't know. I'm trying to figure out a lot of things honestly. I do not want to go home for x-mas break. I live in such a poor neighborhood that this college almost feelings like heaven compared to my living conditions in the one bed room place I'm at. I sleep on the couch and barely wear clothes that fit because no one in my family wants to take on the role of the parent. My real parents are good for nothings who should never have kids to begin with. I honestly wish I was adopted by a middle class white family like some kid from north korea. At least people who adopt want children and are ready to give them good homes. I go through two phases of either hating my mother or hating and pitying her. I honestly wish she would just drop dead, so I would never have to see her face again. I hope I can marry into a good family and abandon the one I have all together. My children will never see them ever. I feel weird. I'm all about having fun right now, which is totally unlike me. Ambitious me. My biggest worry is being killed or raped when I get home. Sorry but when you live in urban black neighborhoods your worst nightmare is a black male. They kill, sexually harass you, or rape you. Sorry, but it is true for some black women. Once I get out of college I will never live in a black neighborhood ever again. I'll live in a chinese enclave before I step foot in a black ghetto. Fuck the white man, fear the black men who have no respect or decency. The men my fathers age who call me a bitch and whore over a phone number. The drug dealers who kill innocent high schoolers. The ignorant black women who join gangs and fuck endlessly only to get pregnant like their worthless mothers. That's the truth where I live. Not all black communities are like this, but this is my reality. Where I live I avoid black men at all costs, because they are the ones who cause all the trouble not white people. Not republicans. It sickens me honestly to read about all the stuff our ancestors went through. You have immigrants going to Ivy League schools by their next generation. I do not care about immigrants honestly. If you come here I do not care. America tries to sell their melting pot b.s. then try to shun the minorities that come. If spanish people want to speak their language then let them. Don't let them in to do cheap labor and try to deny them the right to citizenship. I am continuously learning soo much here. Life is unfair. Yet, you can make it better. I meet so many people that are idiots; even my family members are idiots. They seek to control you and even steal your happiness. So I say fuck them, then people gaze back at me shocked that I dare to stand up for myself. People call you selfish for having confidence and not allowing others to demonize you. It's sad. They can give me that dumb ass stare all day. I'll keep living my life the best way I can. I have few regrets in life.

When I was little I loved to draw. Sketch really. I think I'll start to draw again.

I'm so confused. About life right now. I mean, everything is going great. Internship is fine and my boyfriend is amazing, but I'm still  not happy. Why aren't I happy with myself. That's what I am going to find out by any means necessary.

Since the day I cut my hair there has never been one moment that I regretted my decision. I love feeling the wind blow through my curls. I love how washing my hair takes less than thirty minutos. I like the wash n go and I had forgotten just how beautiful my face was behind all that hair. My hair is healthy now and I want to become healthier all over. I started going to the gym and I want to eat healthier. Basically, I just started taking better care of myself. I'm annoyed because although I never regretted my choice it seems as if everyone around me did. A creepy guy that works in the cafeteria told me he was mad I cut my hair and I look better with long hair. Do I mention that I have no clue who this guy is nor have I ever talked to him in my life. However, he creeps me out and always stared at me. The next time he speaks to me I'm going walk up to him and tell him that I am going to complain to his superior that he is harassing me, then I will call the police. This is the same grown man that sent me a facebook request out of nowhere and constantly makes comments that I ignore in person. Moving on, I am tired of people that insult me and try to compliment me at the same time. They're basically telling me that with long hair I was beautiful and now I'm not; then they try to add a quick "But you look ok though". I'm glad I'm transferring to a school where no one knows I ever had long hair so that I will not get annoying ass feedback that is insulting. I look around my school and see nothing but bad weaves. Now, I do not think that weave is evil. I know plenty of people that work it and look flawless. At my school I see girls with weave that look sloppy and horrible; you can see their damaged hair and some of them have bald spots. Obviously, they need to stop whatever they are doing and take care of their hair. Some black women try to cover up what they believe are flaws and some try to over compensate. Ever seen a black girl with weave down to her ass for no apparent reason. Some people look good others do not, but we all notice the ones that do not. I just do not get what gives people I barely know the right to judge my beauty and tell me how I look. When that creepy guy told me my hair was better long I said, "Well, my Boyfriend thinks it looks better now!", his co-workers laughed at him. Some Black men and women have been conditioned to think that long hair is better than short or natural hair. Why? White women are beautiful. Sure they are? But why do black men and women think that? From the time we are born we are taught white princesses with long hair always have a prince. What prince is there for a natural black woman? No one. Inside I want to curse people out, but I have more class than that. What will I do? Correct them like I did him. I look just as attractive as did before and just because you may think that your natural hair is ugly does not mean I believe the same.